5. Changes Part 1

One of my biggest insecurities that I've had to deal with was my appearance. Perplexing enough, I don't remember caring about how I looked like in middle school, which is usually where teens start to feel weird about their bodies. 

I started in high school around the middle of my sophomore year. I remember still carrying my Jansport black backpack that was tattered from my previous year. It wasn't until someone asked me why I didn't opt for a purse instead. That's when I realized that almost all the girls in my year were using purses as their backpacks. 

The very next weekend I ended up buying a purse that resembled a messenger bag. After that, I began noticing girls wearing make-up, having guys like them, and wearing more mature clothing. 

Jumpstart to senior year, I began wearing mascara and a little bit of eyeliner (tightlining that shit). I was also dressing more consciously-being more girly or fashionable. I still felt that my looks weren't appealing enough because no guy ever noticed me or ever told me that I was pretty or beautiful. (Let's be real, what guy randomly says that too you just like that?) I thought that the reason why I didn't have a guy interested me was because I was ugly and looked too much like a 13 year old. (I have a babyface-a curse and a blessing). 

After hitting college my first year, I started using more eyeliner (cat-eye) and learning more about make-up through videos online. I also started liking fashion much more and reflected it in my wardrobe. 

After that first year in college, I started getting noticed by more guys and actually having guys hit on me and expressing interest. It was all so surreal for me. Here I go from being a wallflower when it comes to guys, to all of a sudden having 5 guys hitting on me. I can't explain how weird and uncomfortable it was. I was happy, but it also put me in a place where I thought that guys only liked me because of the make-up. So even though I kept getting hit on, I had the thought that they only liked me cause I looked a certain way and that if they really knew what a crude, sarcastic person I was, they would hate me.